Wednesday, 18 May 2016

A Gradual Process

I wanted to write a person post. Recently I've had a hard time with my condition, it seems the older you get the larger that desire to settle down and have a family grows. I find it ever increasingly hard to watch Baby programmes or anything with small children it. I have my good days where I can chat about children and watch baby-related topics with the rest of the women. But some days are really hard, floods of tears, hiding under the duvet, cursing the world, kind of hard. 

I understand that these days come for every one of us beautiful women but it doesn't make it any easier. There's magic pill or phrase to save us from our own despair, but I never seem to stop searching, as well as MRKH, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, i'm also being tested for Bi-polar, which makes those low days even harder. With the accumulation of everything else, it's hard not to feel as though the world is caving in on you.

Even though a lot of the time the help people offer, isn't always enough. That's not to say I don't appreciate it, the words of encouragement and support from friends, the doctors ever-willingness to provide any support they can and appointments to explain things that you're uncertain of. It all adds up and sticks with you. 

I suppose the point of this post, is to say it's ok to struggle and have bad days/rough patches. It's ok to hurt, it's ok to feel like the world is caving in and to draw the curtains and hide under a duvet. Every single one of us goes through so much, which we often never speak of, we all fight in the shadows and behind closed doors. But to know that there are people out there who will support you through it all, be there to listen, to talk or just share your company. It's the greatest kindest we could ever show to someone.

Azaryi

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

It's Been A While

These last few years of my absence have been a turbulent ride. I've discovered things about myself I was unaware of. Have had a series of ups and downs, mainly unrelated to my condition. Have grown as a person and sometimes have even had to completely rebuild myself altogether. And despite over these years I've wanted to run away, become someone new or simply just start again. I've discovered that the one thing I can never run or hide from is myself. Don't get me wrong, I have tried a great deal to. But I never succeed. Thus it is this realisation which has brought me back here once again.  That and a few messages from people wondering as to where I have disappeared.

This message isn't to go on some rant or to give some deep meaningful insight (those blogs will come later) instead as we are so close to the new year. This little post is just to wish everyone a new year, to inform people this blog shall be a lot more active with the new year with any luck and to tell those with me condition, that I understand how difficult this time of year can be with the emphasis on family and being a famile.  But you are not alone, we all feel the same and the important thing is to remember you are a beautiful and an amazing person and are perfect the way you are.

Happy New Year and Best Wishes for 2016

Azaryi x

Sunday, 25 November 2012

The Return

I have been away for quite some time now. Two months to be exact, during this time I've had a lot to think about and to question. I've thought about a lot of things that bother me and affect me in some way. One of the things that bother me the most are people who for no apparent reason think it is acceptable to tell you how to cope and deal with your own life. This is a thing that irritates me profusely. A key example of this is a conversation I had with a friend not so long ago. I was discussing my condition with this friend along with other things which had upset me and what irritated me was that I was told I need to "get over" the fact I have no womb and "move on" with my life. Though I always try to see things from others perspectives and welcome their opinions, I did find this to be insensitive. 

Now I do wholeheartedly agree that it helps and is useful to accept that I have no womb and nothing can be done to change that matter at this moment in time. But I do not appreciate the way it was advised. I believe my condition no to be something that you can simply "get over". You are left with the constant reminder of your difference whenever faced with anything childbirth or infant related. And this is a hard reality to face at times, admittedly not always, a lot of the time it can be possible to feel no different to anyone else, there are no physical differences in any sort of way really. It is not as though I have a sign tattooed to me mentioning it or give off a scent which makes everyone else aware of my difference. I would say that it is quite easy for me to blend into society with no aspersion as to what I am. 

Though the basis of this post is the reaction to my dealing with my condition. It is not the sole purpose of this blog, the sole purpose of this blog is to express my discontent with those who believe they have the right to tell others how they must live with their life and how to accept the situations within their life. I believe we are each given our own life events to deal with in our own specific way. As there is something which we must learn from every event within our life. Something to draw upon and make us better as a person and when others try to take over or life our lives for us then it is impossible for us to learn the desired lesson. 

I accept that at times we all need help with problems in our life be that advice, support or guidance. But interference is not the resolution nor can it help in anyway. My only wish is that I am allowed to live my life the way I choose to live it and am not dictated to. As this is my experience, my learning curb, my path and my gaining of knowledge. Henceforth I would appreciate to live it my way. Thank you.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

The (Lack of) Baby Blues

So recently I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps so to speak, I haven't wanted to do anything and have wanted to be left alone completely. Constantly sitting by myself not saying a word to anyone about anything. At first I thought that I could be suffering from depression, as times for me at the moment have been a bit hard and I have been through quite a few difficult times. Such as being kicked out, ending up somewhat homeless, having no money, no job and being unsure whether i'll be able to go back to college this month. 

However the thoughts about my MRKH have been at more of a constant, these thoughts have not been the usual happy-go-lucky thoughts, of how strong I am for it or how I was blessed to find another path in life instead of having babies. No, these thoughts have been the sort filled with self-pity and depression. For example, last night after eating quite a lot of food, I sat looking at my bloated belly thinking to myself how much it resembled a baby belly, but the truth was it couldn't be a baby belly, as there's nothing in there, these were my thoughts. This was enough to bring me to tears. 

The past few days I have not been thinking very highly of myself, considering myself to be somewhat of a "freak" and have been pushing my boyfriend away. He understands how much I keep it locked away and knows that if i'm sat crying about it then it must have really gotten to me. I remember him last night telling me that I was beautiful, my response was "If that's true then why can't I have babies? Beautiful people have babies" Which seems quite silly in hindsight but as was my thinking last night. 

My experiences with MRKH often seem to be an ebb and flow type cycle, one moment I can be over the moon that I never have to bear the burden of having a child, being pregnant and bloated for 9 full months, to have to push out something the size of a melon from my vagina, the next i'm in floods of tears telling myself i'm being punished for something bad i've done in a past life and that i'm some sort of freak of nature. I admit these are quite extreme contrasts but they're just examples, most the time they only seem to be mild thoughts of , yes i'm free from children then, I wish I could have a baby. But you understand my point.

In my opinion I don't think we ever fully accept the fact we can't have children, we learn to live with it yes, but there will always be constant questions in our mind, especially as so little is known about the condition. As with all women who can't have children for any reason, the want to have them will still be there, we just manage not to listen to it as much, or tell it to go away. But we don't fully accept we can't, as we have hope, we have hope that one day doctors will be able to give womb transplants or they'll create some kind of miracle cure. As that is what keeps us going, hope.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

It Isn't Always What it Seems

This Thursday I had a very long talk about how I truly feel about my condition with my boyfriend, this conversation was mixed with tears and the struggle to say how I truly feel. All the negatives which I often shun and hide away came out in this conversation. The despair, the hurt and the feeling of emptiness and sorrow and with it came a realisation. Especially with regards to this blog, you see with so many woman who read this blog and undergo the same struggles as me I felt it necessary to always be positive about my condition. I felt that if I truly let out the pain and the hurt that I truly feel, I would lose those readers, that they would no longer find my words of importance.

See right now, I want to speak about that hurt to you women, I want to let you know, that although I hide it very well I still feel that hurt and that pain. I know that it is said we must always stay positive, but we are also allowed to show vulnerability, we are allowed to hurt.

MRKH makes me hurt in a big way, a lot of the time stronger than any pain I have ever felt. It makes me feel lost, it makes me feel empty, there is the constant want to be able to explain to people how it feels, to make them understand, but as much as you try you can't. Sure they can get a basic understanding of the pain and the idea that it is a horrible thing to live with. But they are incapable of feeling the emptiness of it all, the desire to have children knowing full well that you can't is always there. The agonising hurt that that can never be you, that you were not given that choice and never will be, can be too much to bear at times. It is OK to hurt, it is OK to release that pain and feel it strong within yourself, to allow yourself to cry an ocean of tears at times. I never thought it was.

As I sat there racking my brains and trying to convey every inch of my pain, through the stream of tears and confusion of what to say, he sat there and listened to me. I had never let anyone into that secret of mine, not even you ladies who feel my pain. Because the truth is it does hurt me. At times I have thought I have been given a life that is not fit to live, I have not been given a life at all, I have been given a prison sentence and a cross to bare. But these feelings are natural, we can't possibly be completely happy all the time, especially not about something so drastically life changing. After all the knowledge that you can never have a child and feel the pure joy of creating something yourself, protecting it and nurturing it inside you, is a hard truth to swallow. 

The truth is I am not always happy, at times I do feel like I have been cursed. I feel empty and despairing. I just don't allow others to see it, for the fear of being hurt, for the fear of being a burden on others and bringing them down. But this is not the case, if you are loved by the people around you, they will listen to you, they will watch you cry and feel your hurt. They will console you. Admittedly I do feel ashamed of my condition, as if it is something not to be spoken of. Especially not in bad terms, but this is not the case at all. It's absolutely normal to hurt and at times to just want to breakdown and cry. It doesn't make you any less of a person, it just means you have a lot to deal with, which we all do. We are human, we are not made of steel. We hurt, we cry, we feel lost and lonely. If anything, this makes us stronger and more human in others eyes. We are brave and we are welcome to show our scars.

Monday, 30 July 2012

The Baby Complex

Ok, so i'm going to talk about something which I have not as yet spoke about. I'm not entirely sure why, either because I didn't find it necessary or because I was scared. But I am going to talk about the desire to have children. Most women have this desire, the maternal instinct, the want to settle down and spout out babies. Most women feel there would be nothing better in this life to have a tiny, squishy, pink person, to love and call there own.

Admittedly I do feel this but I try to suppress those believes as much as possible to save myself from my own self torture. But the want is still there, admittedly I have always wanted to have children, although I did deny it for several years because the most experience I got about looking after small children was from my siblings, which isn't the best basis for wanting to have kids. So when asked I would profusely deny the want to have my own little tearaways. But secretly I always did. After all I loved babies they were adorable and made my heart melt. As I said the want to have children is still there despite the fact that I know I am incapable of conception.

Now admittedly there are several options that are still capable for women like me who are incapable of getting pregnant. There is the means of surrogacy, surrogacy for anyone who doesn't know, is the medical procedure of taking ovaries (eggs) from a woman, semen (sperm) from a man, fertilising the two to create an embryo and then implanting the embryo into a surrogate mother ( a woman who is capable of conception). Now although you would not give birth to the baby yourself the baby would still biologically be your child. I'm still not yet entirely sure how I feel about this process, as in a way I feel it is making another woman go through all the hard work for you, whereas you get the reward at the end i.e. the baby. As well as having the worries that I might not feel as much love for it as other mothers do as I haven't felt it grow inside me or gone through the pain that most mothers do. I feel I wouldn't have the same connection. As well as being incapable to breast-feed it as I wouldn't have the hormones.

Another option is adoption, now the idea I feel far more swayed to, as I do see the point of bringing another child into the world when there are children out there who are in far more need to be given a home and love. If I did go through this process I would probably adopt an older children somewhere between the ages of 4-7, as older children seem not to get adopted as easier as older children, probably because of the fact that people believe they have already grown bad habits and can't be taught how to behave. Whereas I feel they deserve a chance as they are more capable of feeling the hurt of not being wanted or loved. Which saddens me quite a bit, as well as these children probably having come from bad homes and suffered before hand, they deserve the chance to be loved and to feel what real unconditional, never-ending love is. To be cared for and looked after, to live the life of a child.

But as for now I still feel I am to young to dedicate my life to a child, after all I am only 19 and I will still have plenty of years to research and act upon my choices of having children and settling down. I do want a child or children to be part of my life, but I feel it should be taken one stop at a time, when I am old enough and experienced enough to care for others as well as myself. But undoubtedly I would love to have a child by the options possible to me. I'm also sure there is foster work that would be possible to help me understand how to care for an adopted child more easier. Which I would love to take part in, again when I am old enough.

I know this blog hasn't been the usual type, which usually involves empowerment and the emotions which are felt through my condition. But I felt that this deserved a post, as it is something I have thought about deeply. Something which I wanted to express. I'd also like to thank all my readers for following my blog and having an interest in the things I have to say. It means a lot to me and your comments always make me smile and encourage me to want to write this blog. Thank you xxx

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Practicing the Preaching

Ok so admittedly I have never been one for opening up to people and letting them know the feelings which lie hidden deep within me. I've always believed that you don't let things upset you and you certainly don't talk about the things that upset you. Which people may seem to think is a contradiction to this blog, but I would disagree. After all i'm not talking about it, i'm simply venting my thoughts through text.

Recently though however I have had a lot of time to think about how my emotions effect me as a whole. One of these things has been the main subject of all these blog posts, my inability to conceive children, now this you may think is something which I talk openly about. But that is not the case, see I tell all you wonderful ladies and everyone else who reads this blog to accept what MRKH is. But do I really practice what I preach? After all I am perfectly fine with admitting that I can't have children and if asked I am more than comfortable with explaining what my condition is and the outcomes of it. But I don't really talk personally to anyone about how it makes me feel. The way it affects me emotionally. For instance, the only way my boyfriend has ever got to understand how it makes me feel is through my blog.

Now it's not that i'm ashamed of my condition, not at all. I know there are some times when I have felt as though I am not truly a woman due to the whole baby fueled society we live in. After all I come from a huge family and babies are something I am more than used to being around. But take the adverts on television and magazines. Your bound to see at least one advert with the stereotypical portrayal of mother and baby. It's not that society has anything against us or are insensitive towards us. It's just the simple fact that we are not the majority. Most women are driven by the need to settle down and have children. It has always been the case, way before we were even born and the sad truth is it always will be the case. Women are always going to be seen as the carriers of babies. Women who can't have babies will be accepted but those who can have children are always going to be a bit dumbfounded by us. It's a simple fact.

However as I was saying my condition does not embarrass me and I do fully accept who I am. What I find hard to talk about though is the emotions that lie beneath it. After all as a teenager it was hard enough to feel as though people understood you without adding MRKH into the equation. I as a person am not intimate or openly expressive of opinions and believes. I cannot stand up in public and say this is how it is, accept it or sling your hook. I never have. As i've never felt the need to be that way.  It's not that I am incapable of being that way or that I feel I don't have an opinion that matters. I just don't see the point in enforcing my lifestyle upon others. Please don't misunderstand my point, as I do strongly wish for women like me to be accepted in society and not seen as some sort of foreign object. If i'm honest that is the only subject I would argue and fight for the reast of my life until my eventual death. Basically my point is I as a person am emotionally retarded. The only way I can express my self is in secret, hidden behind an anonymous alias, with a well thought out piece of text.

My true point is despite what people say, how often they pester you to be open and talk about your issues with the people you love and care for, it isn't really an essential. If you feel more comfortable with expressing your emotions through poetry, then write poetry, if it's through art, create art, if it's through a blog, blog away, through letters, write letters, or if you do find that talking helps you, talk someone's ear. You have to choose the release that suits you, understand that you as a person are unique. You express yourself in your own way and that's perfectly ok. Don't force yourself into something that isn't you, as your method of fixing things is the best for you. That's why it's your method. Also no matter how much people go on at you to change the way you are, don't do it. As you could end up turning away your calling, something that is going to get you very far. I suppose what i'm saying really is be you and be comfortable with the way you are and that is all.