It Isn't Always What it Seems
This Thursday I had a very long talk about how I truly feel about my condition with my boyfriend, this conversation was mixed with tears and the struggle to say how I truly feel. All the negatives which I often shun and hide away came out in this conversation. The despair, the hurt and the feeling of emptiness and sorrow and with it came a realisation. Especially with regards to this blog, you see with so many woman who read this blog and undergo the same struggles as me I felt it necessary to always be positive about my condition. I felt that if I truly let out the pain and the hurt that I truly feel, I would lose those readers, that they would no longer find my words of importance.
See right now, I want to speak about that hurt to you women, I want to let you know, that although I hide it very well I still feel that hurt and that pain. I know that it is said we must always stay positive, but we are also allowed to show vulnerability, we are allowed to hurt.
MRKH makes me hurt in a big way, a lot of the time stronger than any pain I have ever felt. It makes me feel lost, it makes me feel empty, there is the constant want to be able to explain to people how it feels, to make them understand, but as much as you try you can't. Sure they can get a basic understanding of the pain and the idea that it is a horrible thing to live with. But they are incapable of feeling the emptiness of it all, the desire to have children knowing full well that you can't is always there. The agonising hurt that that can never be you, that you were not given that choice and never will be, can be too much to bear at times. It is OK to hurt, it is OK to release that pain and feel it strong within yourself, to allow yourself to cry an ocean of tears at times. I never thought it was.
As I sat there racking my brains and trying to convey every inch of my pain, through the stream of tears and confusion of what to say, he sat there and listened to me. I had never let anyone into that secret of mine, not even you ladies who feel my pain. Because the truth is it does hurt me. At times I have thought I have been given a life that is not fit to live, I have not been given a life at all, I have been given a prison sentence and a cross to bare. But these feelings are natural, we can't possibly be completely happy all the time, especially not about something so drastically life changing. After all the knowledge that you can never have a child and feel the pure joy of creating something yourself, protecting it and nurturing it inside you, is a hard truth to swallow.
The truth is I am not always happy, at times I do feel like I have been cursed. I feel empty and despairing. I just don't allow others to see it, for the fear of being hurt, for the fear of being a burden on others and bringing them down. But this is not the case, if you are loved by the people around you, they will listen to you, they will watch you cry and feel your hurt. They will console you. Admittedly I do feel ashamed of my condition, as if it is something not to be spoken of. Especially not in bad terms, but this is not the case at all. It's absolutely normal to hurt and at times to just want to breakdown and cry. It doesn't make you any less of a person, it just means you have a lot to deal with, which we all do. We are human, we are not made of steel. We hurt, we cry, we feel lost and lonely. If anything, this makes us stronger and more human in others eyes. We are brave and we are welcome to show our scars.
See right now, I want to speak about that hurt to you women, I want to let you know, that although I hide it very well I still feel that hurt and that pain. I know that it is said we must always stay positive, but we are also allowed to show vulnerability, we are allowed to hurt.
MRKH makes me hurt in a big way, a lot of the time stronger than any pain I have ever felt. It makes me feel lost, it makes me feel empty, there is the constant want to be able to explain to people how it feels, to make them understand, but as much as you try you can't. Sure they can get a basic understanding of the pain and the idea that it is a horrible thing to live with. But they are incapable of feeling the emptiness of it all, the desire to have children knowing full well that you can't is always there. The agonising hurt that that can never be you, that you were not given that choice and never will be, can be too much to bear at times. It is OK to hurt, it is OK to release that pain and feel it strong within yourself, to allow yourself to cry an ocean of tears at times. I never thought it was.
As I sat there racking my brains and trying to convey every inch of my pain, through the stream of tears and confusion of what to say, he sat there and listened to me. I had never let anyone into that secret of mine, not even you ladies who feel my pain. Because the truth is it does hurt me. At times I have thought I have been given a life that is not fit to live, I have not been given a life at all, I have been given a prison sentence and a cross to bare. But these feelings are natural, we can't possibly be completely happy all the time, especially not about something so drastically life changing. After all the knowledge that you can never have a child and feel the pure joy of creating something yourself, protecting it and nurturing it inside you, is a hard truth to swallow.
The truth is I am not always happy, at times I do feel like I have been cursed. I feel empty and despairing. I just don't allow others to see it, for the fear of being hurt, for the fear of being a burden on others and bringing them down. But this is not the case, if you are loved by the people around you, they will listen to you, they will watch you cry and feel your hurt. They will console you. Admittedly I do feel ashamed of my condition, as if it is something not to be spoken of. Especially not in bad terms, but this is not the case at all. It's absolutely normal to hurt and at times to just want to breakdown and cry. It doesn't make you any less of a person, it just means you have a lot to deal with, which we all do. We are human, we are not made of steel. We hurt, we cry, we feel lost and lonely. If anything, this makes us stronger and more human in others eyes. We are brave and we are welcome to show our scars.
I find one of the painful parts of MRKH is not being "normal". I can't talk to my girlfriends about periods. I can't talk about being pregnant. All of those discussions that women have with each other. And I'm too ashamed to admit why I'm not participating, so I just walk away. It's very lonely.
ReplyDeleteI agree, at times it can be really difficult, especially when they turn to you and ask you what you think, although at times it feels as though we are not "normal" we have the gift that are malformations are inside of us, so therefore the rest of the world is none the wiser to us being any different. Although at times this can be our downfall, as we can hide behind the fact that we look normal and convince ourselves that we are no different to any other, we are not forced to face up to our differences, in the same way that of a disabled person is, as their differences are on the outside. But you are not alone at all, there are thousands or women, just like me and you all over this world, if you ever need someone to talk to e-mail me, I will be more than willing to speak to you xxx
DeleteI have just had a very similar chat with my husband last night. I cried non stop for about 4 hours. He was shocked at how upset I have been recently. I have known about my MRKH for 11 years but it is still just as painful. He asked me if these feelings were new because all our friends are having babies and I said no I have had them for nearly 11 years I have just never had someone to talk to about them before. Sometimes I wish I was 50 so that all of my friends were not either having or about to have children.
ReplyDeleteYeah I understand that feeling none of my friends are pregnant at the moment, but some of them have small children, and at times it reminds me just the same, but a lot of the time i just enjoy playing with them and accepting them for what they are. xxx
DeleteGreat post. I've never commented before (Hi, I'm Meg, a fellow MRKH sister), but feel such a kinship with your words. After being a part of the Infertility blogging community for years, I cherish MRKH blogs now more than ever..........these select few women who ACTUALLY "get it."
ReplyDeleteI've noticed, through reading a handful of MRKH blogs, that many of us could have written each other's posts. It's amazing how eerily similar our feelings and thought processes are.
I feel as though I'm rambling now, but just wanted to say a proper "hello." =) Hugs from afar...
Hello it's lovely to meet you Meg, I'm glad you enjoyed the blog,I look forward to hearing from you in the future, :) hugs to you too xxx
DeleteNice post Azaryi. It does help knowing someone else gets it.
ReplyDeleteHugs from your fellow sister.
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed reading my blog :D xxx
Delete