Acceptance of Self
Once I found out the news that I had MRKH, I was uncertain about how I should deal with it. I didn't really want to be around people as I couldn't settle my emotions very well. I started not turning up to and having lots of days off from a training course I was doing at the time. As it meant being on my own amongst people. I didn't want that at all, I wanted to be as far away from them as possible. I wanted to be where it was safe. I wanted to be at home. The receptionist at the training course didn't seem very happy with my frequent absences, despite the fact my tutor said it was okay to have as much time off as I liked to come to terms with it. In the end I quit the course as I couldn't bare to go back. I knew I needed time to readjust, to work out who I was, why this had happened and how I would accept it.
A lot of this acceptance and coming to terms involved me spending hours in tears, wondering why this had happened. Feeling completely clueless and lost. I mean think about it if there is such thing as fate and past life consequences what must I have done to deserve as cruel a fate as this. This was one of the many thoughts that plagued my mind. I was in a very dark place, uncertain of everything involving my sexuality, womanliness and future. I had never had a boyfriend, so how would I possibly get one now? How would I ever get married and start a family? All of this kept reoccurring in my mind as I ever more frustratingly tried to battle against it. Tried to pick myself up.
I chose not to talk about it most of the time, keeping it to myself silently crying out the way of everyone. It wasn't because I thought people wouldn't support or that they would be sick or hearing it. It's because I thought it would depress people. I mean it's not exactly the cheeriest of subjects, also I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me as I didn't see how that would help my condition, how it would help me accept it. I mainly didn't speak about it to my parents as I didn't want to upset them, they wanted to protect me and I wanted to protect them. So they was many a long period of them asking me why I was upset over and over again, until I finally gave in and admitted what it was.
I did eventually manage to stop crying about it, but I don't know whether that was for the best. As I chose not to speak about it at all, not so much as to even think about it. This happened quite quickly after i'd found out, about a few of weeks later. I just stopped, I just stopped thinking about what it meant, that I even had it. So much to the point that at times I forgot and would have strong moments of realisation. Where all those feelings I had kept tightly looked away would once again surface. I admit this probably wasn't the best method of acceptance but it was the one I chose. It did help in someway though, as rather than having to deal with everything at once. I was gradually able to think about certain aspects and accept them, one by one.
I was able to be around people again as I started college, although it had only been 3 months since I had found out at that time. Yet I bravely walked alone to try and improve my career prospects. I don't know why but I started having urges to tell people about my condition. Obviously only people I was close to, it began to feel like the fact I had MRKH had become some sort of huge secret. Who was I supposed to tell and who was I supposed to keep it from. It ended up being something that only my best and close friends knew, then I gradually began to tell classmates (as I only had a class of 4 people, all women) and certain tutors. Then I told certain regular friends. It felt the more people I told the happier I became, the less I felt as though I was hiding something huge and confidential from the world.
So this is what I did, I told everyone I felt comfortable telling, I accepted it. I had others accept me for what I am, which helped me accept it even more. I am still telling as many people as I can, I'm telling you right now as you read this blog. That I have MRKH and i'm happy and proud about that fact. As yes it hurt, yes it means i can never carry a child, but I can have a child through surrogacy. I was born this way, it's who I am and always will be and that doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore.
A lot of this acceptance and coming to terms involved me spending hours in tears, wondering why this had happened. Feeling completely clueless and lost. I mean think about it if there is such thing as fate and past life consequences what must I have done to deserve as cruel a fate as this. This was one of the many thoughts that plagued my mind. I was in a very dark place, uncertain of everything involving my sexuality, womanliness and future. I had never had a boyfriend, so how would I possibly get one now? How would I ever get married and start a family? All of this kept reoccurring in my mind as I ever more frustratingly tried to battle against it. Tried to pick myself up.
I chose not to talk about it most of the time, keeping it to myself silently crying out the way of everyone. It wasn't because I thought people wouldn't support or that they would be sick or hearing it. It's because I thought it would depress people. I mean it's not exactly the cheeriest of subjects, also I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me as I didn't see how that would help my condition, how it would help me accept it. I mainly didn't speak about it to my parents as I didn't want to upset them, they wanted to protect me and I wanted to protect them. So they was many a long period of them asking me why I was upset over and over again, until I finally gave in and admitted what it was.
I did eventually manage to stop crying about it, but I don't know whether that was for the best. As I chose not to speak about it at all, not so much as to even think about it. This happened quite quickly after i'd found out, about a few of weeks later. I just stopped, I just stopped thinking about what it meant, that I even had it. So much to the point that at times I forgot and would have strong moments of realisation. Where all those feelings I had kept tightly looked away would once again surface. I admit this probably wasn't the best method of acceptance but it was the one I chose. It did help in someway though, as rather than having to deal with everything at once. I was gradually able to think about certain aspects and accept them, one by one.
I was able to be around people again as I started college, although it had only been 3 months since I had found out at that time. Yet I bravely walked alone to try and improve my career prospects. I don't know why but I started having urges to tell people about my condition. Obviously only people I was close to, it began to feel like the fact I had MRKH had become some sort of huge secret. Who was I supposed to tell and who was I supposed to keep it from. It ended up being something that only my best and close friends knew, then I gradually began to tell classmates (as I only had a class of 4 people, all women) and certain tutors. Then I told certain regular friends. It felt the more people I told the happier I became, the less I felt as though I was hiding something huge and confidential from the world.
So this is what I did, I told everyone I felt comfortable telling, I accepted it. I had others accept me for what I am, which helped me accept it even more. I am still telling as many people as I can, I'm telling you right now as you read this blog. That I have MRKH and i'm happy and proud about that fact. As yes it hurt, yes it means i can never carry a child, but I can have a child through surrogacy. I was born this way, it's who I am and always will be and that doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore.
You're an inspiration. You're giving others with the same condition a voice. You're an inspiration and role model even for others without MRKH because the way you have coped and pushed ahead with your life is admirable. You are a true hero. A hero isn't somebody who can shoot webs from their wrists or wears a cape; a hero is you. Someone who has learnt self-acceptance and makes the most of and cherishes every moment. Thank you for sharing these personal insights xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much, that means so very much to me :D xxxxx
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