The Warrior Women

Ok so admittedly it has been a very long time since I last posted on my new blog. In fairness life has been pretty hectic and I haven't really been sure about what I should say, or what any of you lovely people who follow this blog would like to read. I could talk about another aspect of my condition and my personal experience in relation to it or I could write a diary type post. Both of which however I am uncertain of what to contain within them. 


You see my condition is complex in more than one way. Not only are scientists and doctors unable to pin point exactly why it is we are born this way. It is also hard for us to pin point exactly what it is we feel and experience through this condition. After all there are so many mixed emotions at times how on earth can you begin to choose which to discuss first?


In my case the condition I find to be extremely bizarre, mostly because I allow myself to forget that I am the way I am. This may be denial at times, the desperate hope that after 2 years this all still nothing but a dream and I shall inadvertently awaken from this strangest of dreams and be brought back to consciousness and all shall be well. Others times I desperately fight the creeping heart entwining pain within me forcing it to the deepest abysses of my mind. Until the voice which wishes me to believe that I am different and at times inferior to other woman is silenced deep inside me. 


As with my condition the moments I fear most are the ones riddled with negativity, the ones which purge me to spare my thoughts for a moment on how I feel when I remember that I shall never feel the warm growth and love of a child growing inside me. To be able to hold that child in my arms and to know that the tiny creature there in front of me was the result of my, a mothers creation. These thoughts though heartbreaking and painful are at times to me the gift of my condition. For they say the greatest loss is to lose a child, then what must it be to lose the hope of having a child. To have the sweetest of dreams torn from you in a single heartbeat. There is no such cruelty I could even begin to imagine.


But we women though unheard of and silent are powerful in strength, we can share the truest of smiles for those who are lucky enough to have a child when they announce ecstatically that they are pregnant. We can hear friends complain about periods and then in return tell us how lucky we are not to suffer these. If only it were that simple. We can face the greatest fear of looking into the eyes of the person you love whole-heartedly and tell them that you are unable to give them a family, hoping that they won't discard your heart in that very instance. Most of all we can live through every day knowing that we are different and never saying a word, joking along about pregnancy and children as we think to ourselves "if only they knew". But most of all we can face the world and suffice the greatest of strengths and say "yes I am different and flawed, but I am alive and have been through more than you could ever know, am I afraid? Yes, but will I fall and be kicked to the dirt? The answer is no.


As we are the lionhearted, the bravest of women, our pain you will never experience, but we do not wish you to. Your acceptance is what we wish for. Not your sympathy or to hear how lucky and blessed we are. As sympathy is pointless and luck, well luck is just for fools. We know you will never truly understand, as how could you, as much as you may try or wish to, it remains an impossibility. But for you to say to us that you accept us for who we are. That we have nothing to feel ashamed of, which we do not. And that we are still women, we are truly women. Well, that would be the greatest gift you could ever give to us.