The (Lack of) Baby Blues

So recently I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps so to speak, I haven't wanted to do anything and have wanted to be left alone completely. Constantly sitting by myself not saying a word to anyone about anything. At first I thought that I could be suffering from depression, as times for me at the moment have been a bit hard and I have been through quite a few difficult times. Such as being kicked out, ending up somewhat homeless, having no money, no job and being unsure whether i'll be able to go back to college this month. 

However the thoughts about my MRKH have been at more of a constant, these thoughts have not been the usual happy-go-lucky thoughts, of how strong I am for it or how I was blessed to find another path in life instead of having babies. No, these thoughts have been the sort filled with self-pity and depression. For example, last night after eating quite a lot of food, I sat looking at my bloated belly thinking to myself how much it resembled a baby belly, but the truth was it couldn't be a baby belly, as there's nothing in there, these were my thoughts. This was enough to bring me to tears. 

The past few days I have not been thinking very highly of myself, considering myself to be somewhat of a "freak" and have been pushing my boyfriend away. He understands how much I keep it locked away and knows that if i'm sat crying about it then it must have really gotten to me. I remember him last night telling me that I was beautiful, my response was "If that's true then why can't I have babies? Beautiful people have babies" Which seems quite silly in hindsight but as was my thinking last night. 

My experiences with MRKH often seem to be an ebb and flow type cycle, one moment I can be over the moon that I never have to bear the burden of having a child, being pregnant and bloated for 9 full months, to have to push out something the size of a melon from my vagina, the next i'm in floods of tears telling myself i'm being punished for something bad i've done in a past life and that i'm some sort of freak of nature. I admit these are quite extreme contrasts but they're just examples, most the time they only seem to be mild thoughts of , yes i'm free from children then, I wish I could have a baby. But you understand my point.

In my opinion I don't think we ever fully accept the fact we can't have children, we learn to live with it yes, but there will always be constant questions in our mind, especially as so little is known about the condition. As with all women who can't have children for any reason, the want to have them will still be there, we just manage not to listen to it as much, or tell it to go away. But we don't fully accept we can't, as we have hope, we have hope that one day doctors will be able to give womb transplants or they'll create some kind of miracle cure. As that is what keeps us going, hope.

Comments

  1. I used to feel like this a lot but I learnt to accept it I didnt have to like it. I do hope you find some peace. Actually a funny thing happened to me in the supermarket a horrid child was badly misbehaving and he was obnoxious and cheeky to the store manager. I found myself counting my blessing that my child would never do this. I wouldnt have liked to be the parent of this child.
    Hugs to you and dont beat yourself up too much.
    Andrea

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and thank you for your kind words xxx

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  2. Oh honey I totally, 100% know how you feel. You are not alone in this. I am trying in many ways to find peace somehow, so far it's not really working but my blog does help, just venting feelings that perhaps I shouldn't be ranting at my hubs all the time.
    Try and keep talking. I stored my pain up for ten years and I think it is making it all the worse for me now, now I am 29 and all my friends are having babies.
    http://mrkhmusings.wordpress.com/

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    1. Thank you I'll definitely make sure to dedicate a whole day reading your blog at some point, and i'm not alone and thanking you for reading xxx

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  3. My Dear, I am just an old guy, and I have little to say really, but I enjoyed reading your blog and I hope you are able to find some peace. I know a little bit about MRKH and I know that the feeling of loss can be very hard to bear. I wish you much peace and happiness in your life. CG

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